MONTREAL – After seeing the company’s revenue decline in previous years, Hydro-Quebec’s decision to use a freeze ray to chill the province has resulted in a massive income boost. The ray, which ...
Report: Oil found in Northwest Territories will be just enough to doom humanity
NORTHWEST TERRITORIES – Geological scientists announced earlier this week that the 200 billion barrels of shale oil discovered in the Northwest Territories would be adequate to push humanity ove...
Comedian deftly handles heckler’s demand to see boobs by being male
TORONTO – Local stand-up comedian Jeff Brian told reporters today how he swiftly and professionally dealt with a rowdy audience member repeatedly shouting “show us your tits” by being a male rat...
Michael Sam becomes latest openly anglophone Montrealer
MONTREAL – A year after becoming the first openly gay football player to be drafted by the NFL, defensive end Michael Sam has become just the latest in a long line of public anglophones inhabiti...
Ireland votes to legalize open bar gay weddings
IRELAND – After a long fight over equality, Ireland has voted to legalize marriages between any same-sex couples that are willing to pay the tab. “Weddings are a beautiful thing,” said Irish cit...
Harper agrees to English TV debate provided he has no opponents, questions
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has agreed to participate in a televised English debate under the condition that he will be the only candidate present and no questions are asked. Harper a...
Hollywood hires younger actress to play Maggie Gyllenhaal
LOS ANGELES – After concerns about natural human aging surfaced earlier this week, studio executives are now seeking a younger actress to play Maggie Gyllenhaal. “We love Maggie, we really do, b...
Ministry of Agriculture seeks interns for exciting new Harvest Sacrifice position
OTTAWA – The Ministry of Agriculture is reaching out to recent university and college graduates to fill unpaid internship positions related to the upcoming 2015 Harvest Sacrifice. “This is an ex...
Babcock joins Leafs in bid to show league winning isn’t everything
TORONTO – Former Detroit Red Wings coach Mike Babcock has signed with the Toronto Maple Leafs to demonstrate there’s more to professional hockey than just winning and making the playoffs. “There are s...
