CHRISTENDOM – As part of a millennia long religious practice, pine trees around the globe have been murdered and offered as sacrifice to please the three Christian Gods and their prophet, Santa...
Local killjoy has realistic expectations for new Star Wars
TORONTO – After witnessing a myriad of kickass promotional materials and entire seconds of new footage in the latest trailer, area man Matthew Gertz is still refusing to express hyperbolic excit...
Company cuts costs by holding Christmas party in vacant bus shelter
MONTREAL — A local PR company opted for a thrifty locale to host their annual Christmas party this year — the vacant bus shelter across the street from the office building. With budget cuts and an eco...
Ben Carson calls for submarines to be stationed along entire U.S. Canadian border
LAS VEGAS – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has publicly demanded that the US-Canadian border be secured by stationing US Navy submarines along its entire stretch. “We need to demonst...
Tipsy Kathleen Wynne urges grocery store shoppers to take off clothes, “get weird”
TORONTO – Appearing at a downtown Toronto grocery store selling beer for the first time since the province privatized sales, a visibly intoxicated Kathleen Wynne urged shoppers to join her in disrobin...
‘CBC and Chill’ fails to catch on with Canadian youth
TORONTO – An attempt by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation to capitalize on the modern hook-up practice of ‘Netflix and Chill’ has ended in abject failure after would be lovers reported the p...
New show on History reveals the past when network had shows about history
CALGARY — A new television program airing on History tonight will explore the not-so-distant past when the network had actual shows that examined the events that shaped the future. The show take...
Canadians concerned majority of refugees haven’t been hugged yet
MONTREAL — An Ipsos-Reid poll of over 1,000 Canadians indicates that a majority of Canadians feel the 25,000 Syrian refugees have not received proper hugs. 63% of Canadians expressed some or str...
LCBO website hacked by Anonymous Alcoholics
TORONTO – The website of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, North America’s largest distributor of liquor and wine, was hacked last night by the notorious online group Anonymous Alcoholics. An...
Xbox Live player finally admits he didn’t fuck your mother
OSHAWA, ON — In an unexpected turn of events, Xbox Live user 420weedL0rd has admitted that he did not fuck your mother, despite earlier claims of having done so. Nearly three months after “absol...
