TORONTO — Postmedia announced today it would be laying off several employees, including the reporter they assigned to cover the layoffs. Wesley Brais, who was known for such headlines as “Shake-...
Marc Garneau challenges Chris Hadfield to race to the Moon
TORONTO – In an announcement which has stunned the scientific community, Minister of Transport and retired astronaut Marc Garneau has challenged former commander of the International Space Station, Ch...
Thomas Mulcair emerges from burrow, sees shadow; six more disappointing NDP elections expected
OTTAWA — The New Democratic Party was dealt a heavy blow yesterday when Thomas Mulcair, former Leader of the Official Opposition, crawled out of his burrow on Parliament Hill, saw his shadow, an...
BREAKING: Media reports 3 suspicious men taking pictures of Niagara Falls
NIAGARA FALLS — Dozens of media outlets are reporting on three suspicious men captured on surveillance footage taking pictures and video of one of Canada’s least popular landmarks, Niagara Falls...
Quantum computer able to access pornography from different universes
WATERLOO, ON – Researchers at the University of Waterloo have created a quantum computer that is able to access the internet and download pornography from parallel universes. Basic quantum compu...
New York Times “this close” to working up the courage to marry Canada
NEW YORK – After years of gushing travel articles and love letters disguised as op-ed pieces, New York Times editor Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. assured shareholders this week that America’s 164 year-o...
Shitfaced employee has no idea who put water in the vodka bottles
TORONTO — A sloshed LCBO employee is denying he had any responsibility on who replaced vodka with water in several 1.3 liters bottles of Smirnoff Vodka. “I had…had not one thing to do with...
Whitehorse touts cleanest landfill made up of 15% recyclable glass
WHITEHORSE — Yukon’s capital is claiming it has the cleanest landfill in Canada after recently discovering that glass is not being accepted for recycling and is being sent to the local dump. “We...
NRA recommends gun owners buy second gun to protect selves from first gun
FAIRFAX, VA – The NRA released a statement earlier today advising that all gun owners purchase an additional gun to be used in self-defense against the other guns they own. “Statistic after stat...
Question period enters sudden death round for first time in 50 years
OTTAWA – For the first time since 1966, Question Period has entered a sudden death round, with members of parliament now preparing for bloody, and most likely deadly, close-quarters combat. R...
