NEW YORK – After years of gushing travel articles and love letters disguised as op-ed pieces, New York Times editor Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. assured shareholders this week that America’s 164 year-old newspaper of record is “this close” to finally working up the courage to propose to its longtime unrequited crush, Canada.
“It’s gonna happen,” declared a confident Sulzberger. “Last week we ran a column on how cool Canada’s suddenly become, and when they saw it, Canada was all, ‘Again? Really?’ but, like, kind of smiling while they said it? There was definitely a vibe.”
The announcement comes amid ongoing pleas from exasperated readers begging the Times to just marry Canada already, and stop subjecting them to the same goddamned paeans to Montreal’s vibrant musical and culinary scenes, condescending acknowledgements that Toronto’s “having a moment,” and the progressive politics of Justin Trudeau, over and over and over and over again.
“We get it. He’s handsome, he smokes weed, and he’s down with the ladies and refugees,” vented Kieran Crilly of Seacaucus, NJ. “Fucking put a ring on that shit and shut up about it forever. Christ.”
Still, others worry that proposing to the Great White North could lead to the newspaper getting bored with Canada and dumping it, much as it has with past infatuations.
“Remember how hot and heavy the Times was with Hillary Clinton back in ‘08?” recalled Gina Briones of Manhattan. “Then all of the sudden Obama shows up and bitch is crying to reporters at a waffle house in New Hampshire. Canada’s better off keeping things casual.”
Indeed, the newspaper’s budding romance with former Vermont senator Bernie Sanders has many readers wondering if the Times would be better off with the Democratic presidential candidate.
“He’s got all the same interests as Canada, plus the one thing it doesn’t – citizenship,” noted Briones. “On top of that, at 149, Canada is sixteen years younger than the New York Times. Bernie’s the more age-appropriate choice.”