MONTREAL — It was a scene of total carnage on Friday night after local woman Natasha Campbell shattered 39 wine glasses in a row on the faucet while attempting to wash them carefully. The sound ...
Waterproof iPhone 7 causes Uncle Ben’s Rice stock to fall
Mars Inc., the food and beverage conglomerate, saw its share price plummet 28% this morning after a preliminary fourth quarter earnings report revealed that sales of its subsidiary Uncle Ben’s Rice dr...
Poll: Canada remains starkly divided over milk bags versus milk jugs
OTTAWA – A new Angus-Reid poll released today has shown more Canadians are sharply divided on regional grounds over what type of milk containers they use. 96% of Canadians who live in Ontario an...
CRTC decrees Tim Hortons ads meet Canadian content requirements
Toronto, ON – In an unprecedented move the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission has allowed advertisements for the ubiquitous coffee chain Tim Hortons to be counted toward...
Local man hoping to complete burger loyalty card before next heart attack
Markham, ON — Local man Ricky Horks is only four stamps away from completing his Burger Dump loyalty card and is hoping to redeem it before his next heart attack. “With luck, I’ll slide in just ...
Guide To: Canada’s Parliament
Canada’s Parliament. More than just a building where MPs gather to practice their ‘shame’ chants. In this Beaverton digital exclusive, we simplify things....
95-year-old trapped in 19-year-old body becomes youngest MPP in Ontario
GRIMSBY, ON – A 95-year-old Progressive Conservative candidate trapped in 19-year-old’s body has become the youngest MPP in Ontario’s history. Cornelius Appleton, who inexplicably switched bodie...
White-hooded Warbler named Canada’s official nationalist bird
OTTAWA – Just hours after the Gray Jay was named Canada’s national bird, the White-hooded Warbler has been named Canada’s nationalist bird. “Yes, the friendly and resilient Gray Jay best represe...
STUDY: Dolphins swearing at us constantly
NASSAU, BAHAMAS – Proving that not only do dolphins have the capacity for complex language, new research from the University of Nassau suggests that they have actually been using filthy curse wo...
Trump explodes
NYC – At approximately 11:30 am this morning, celebrity, businessperson, and president-elect Donald Trump exploded. “It’s really very unfortunate,” said Melania Trump, the future First Lady. “He’s alw...
