Ford blames Jays playoff ticket gouging on asshole premier who scrapped Ticketmaster law in 2019
QUEEN’S PARK – After resale tickets to the Blue Jays’ World Series immediately skyrocketed into the thousands of dollars, Ontario Premier Doug Ford held a press conference to place the blam…
Canada cool with one group of temporary foreign workers
TORONTO – The nation of Canada has decided that, on second thought, some temporary foreign workers can stay. “The Temporary Foreign Worker Program is a scam designed to take the jobs …
French authorities won’t charge Louvre thieves on grounds the crime was really cool
PARIS – Following a brazen daylight heist of the French crown jewels from the Louvre, French authorities have declared no charges will be laid, citing the country’s “Trop Cool Pour Être Un …
Jays fans look to gain Game 7 edge by kidnapping beloved Seattle radio psychiatrist
SEATTLE, WA – With the ALCS series headed to a winner-take-all game 7, Toronto Blue Jays fans have attempted to gain an advantage over the Mariners by abducting Dr. Frasier Crane, beloved r…
Canada offers to support American “NO KINGS” protest, draws line at “NO QUEENS”
OTTAWA – With millions across America taking part in today’s planned “No Kings” protest, Canadians have signalled their willingness to lend support – though emphasiz…
Marc Maron pioneers not having a podcast
LOS ANGELES – After sixteen years, comedian, actor, and aggravated cat owner Marc Maron has taken a bold step into the unknown by turning off his microphone and not hosting a podcast. “Look…
New horror movie somehow not a metaphor for trauma
BRANDON, MB – Scary movie enthusiasts are stunned after discovering that a recent popular horror film is in no way an allegory for grief, PTSD, or intergenerational trauma. The 2025 film, N…
World agrees to make up awards for Donald Trump to win every time he stops a war
“The annual Awesome Guy With Big Dick And Normal Hair Award goes to…Donald Trump!” Luke and the Panel (Clare Blackwood, Nile Seguin and Craig Fay) discuss the reasons to be opti…
“Restore merit, end DEI” says man who could only get elected in Canada’s safest Conservative stronghold
OTTAWA – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has launched a petition to “end DEI programs and restore merit”, just months after losing his own heavily-favoured seat before runn…
TTC announces subway closure due to ‘not feeling it today’
TORONTO – This week the TTC announced via social media that all subway lines will be closed today due to subway workers ‘just not feeling it.’ The statement written by TTC CEO Mandeep Lali explai…
