WASHINGTON, D.C. — Researchers at NASA this week announced the discovery of a new, Earth-like planet orbiting the star closest to the sun, which they say possesses physical properties condu…
Science and Technology
Scientists don’t even bother to measure before declaring 2016 hottest summer ever
Asheville, N.C. – Saying it was too hot to do any work climate change researchers at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have declared that they assume the summer of …
Bro scientists confirm world ‘pretty gay’
WOODBRIDGE, ON – Highlighting humanity’s continued effect on the global environment, the World Institute for Bro Sciences has confirmed the long disputed theory that the world is, in fact, …
REPORT: Robots still decades away from perfectly mimicking human cruelty
WALTHAM, MA – Researchers at Boston Dynamics say science is still decades away from producing robots that can approximate the cruelty and malice of their human creators. “Even with the prev…
After report shows flossing to be useless, millions immediately continue to not floss
NATIONWIDE – A recent report from the Associated Press has found that there is very little evidence that flossing works, leading millions of people to continue not doing it. “As soon as I h…
Man sticking up restaurant politely asks for Wi-Fi password
SUDBURY, ON – Shortly after producing a gun and screaming for everybody in the restaurant to get down on the ground, local armed robber Josh Radomsky is quietly asking servers for the Wi-Fi…
Rebounding biodiversity: bison attacks are up 2,000%
WEST CREASE, AB – At one time reduced to a population of fewer than 600, Canadian populations of the Plains Bison have rebounded to the point where an unprecedented crisis of bison attacks …
E3 Update: Sneak booze past customs, save taxes in hotly anticipated Call of Duty Free
LOS ANGELES – Adding to an already impressive lineup that includes “Skylanders Academy” and “Overwatch,” video game giant Activision Publishing, Inc. has announced “Call of Duty Free,” a brand ne…
Introducing iCared, an app that will write your heartfelt celebrity death posts for you
PALO ALTO, CA – In response to a busy year of celebrity deaths, Google has announced the release of iCared, an app that allows users to instantly share unique, personal remembrances the moment a …
Man really needed boys’ night to take mind off climate change
TORONTO – A night out with the boys has proven to be just what local man Pouyan Shah needed to take his mind off of the biosphere’s ongoing collapse. “It was so great to just hang out with …
