OTTAWA – After nearly 150 years of colonialism and cultural genocide, Canada is mending fences by granting every First Nations person in the country 30 seconds of intimate eye-contact with …
National
Kathleen Wynne boosts Ontario economy with province-wide two-drink minimum
ONTARIO – In an attempt to ensure a new cash flow for the provincial government, Premier Kathleen Wynne has implemented a new policy forcing Ontarians to have two alcoholic beverages at all…
Justin Trudeau waits in dark cave for attractive enough family to walk past
GATINEAU, QC – In an attempt to further endear himself to the nation, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is waiting in a dark cave for a family he deems beautiful enough to deserve to take a pho…
Marooned Minister of Fisheries hurls bottle stuffed with legislation into the Atlantic
DESERTED ISLAND – After rolling up the pages and saying a short prayer, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has thrown what may be his final bill into the ocean in hopes that…
Husky reassures Saskatchewan environmentalists that wildlife will evolve to take 91 octane
CALGARY – Husky Energy has reassured environmental groups that local wildlife will evolve to refine and use the crude spilled in the North Saskatchewan River at a level above that of regula…
Brad Wall proud of Saskatchewan’s first pipeline that delivers oil straight to household taps
PRINCE ALBERT, SK — Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall beamed with pride to announce Canada’s first oil pipeline that will deliver unrefined crude oil via the Saskatchewan River to household ta…
Canadian media pulls coverage of man killed by police after realizing he wasn’t American
OTTAWA – A day after the death of Abdirahman Abdi at the hands of police officers, Canadian media have pulled their coverage, realizing the incident did not take place in America. “Oh wait,…
Minister apologizes to public servant Deborah Parks, SIN #555 053 043 for privacy breach
OTTAWA – Public Works Minister Judy Foote has personally apologized to public servant Deborah Jane Parks whose Social Insurance Number is listed as 555 053 043 and lives at 394 Johnson Blvd…
Minister of Fisheries says ‘it’s done,’ drops bloody Kraken beak on Trudeau’s desk
OTTAWA – After being absent from Parliament for three straight months, federal sources report that the Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has finally arrived back in Ottawa …
Thousands of unpaid public servants processing their own EI claims
OTTAWA – Thousands of federal public servants who have not been paid due to a glitch in the Phoenix pay system software have preoccupied themselves by processing their Employment Insurance …
