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National
Unemployed Knight mourns the collapse of Canada’s questing industry
SIOUX LOOKOUT, ON – Sir Armaunthat de Soulecoute, 34, of Sioux Lookout, Ontario, described the collapse of Canada’s questing industry as a ‘tragedy of the commons’ to a gathering of the pre…
Existence of nuclear waste facility under Parliament denied by Peter Kent’s left head
OTTAWA – During question period yesterday, Minister for the environment Peter Kent’s other head was once again forced to deny the existence of an illegal nuclear waste dump beneath th…
Statistical illiteracy at all-time high of 124%
OTTAWA – Statistics Canada today released the results of a damning online survey concerning Canadians’ comprehension of basic statistics. Out of 33 million Canadians, nearly 41 million Cana…
Marineland CEO won’t get puppy until he proves he can take care of fish
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – Ontario’s Humane Society announced yesterday they were denying Marineland C.E.O., John Holer’s application to adopt a 2-month-old Dalmatian puppy he had planned on namin…
PMO staff ‘extremely worried’ after Stephen Harper shows up to work with smile
OTTAWA – Anonymous staff in the Prime Minister’s Office report they have an overwhelming sense of dread that something horrible is about to happen – though what, they do not know R…
French reinforcements arrive in Quebec 253 years late
QUEBEC CITY – After spending 92,345 days at sea, French Marines finally arrived to reinforce the French garrison in Quebec City. The 250 men of the Troupes de la Marine swiftly scaled the cliffs …
Flaherty’s face now primary measure of Canada’s economy
OTTAWA – As Canada’s economic outlook grows increasingly unpredictable and difficult to understand, media outlets across the country are turning to Finance Minister Jim Flaherty’s varied fa…
NDP asks to be included on mailing list for future murder-dismemberments
OTTAWA – Yesterday, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair sent a stern and clear message to any future murderers and dismemberers who wish to attract the public spotlight: next time, please include the…
Foreign Minister spending way too much time at home
OTTAWA – Since his appointment as Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs last May, the honourable John Baird has been spending an excessive amount of time at home, much to the disappointment …
