CALGARY – A new report from the University of Calgary medical school has found that the elusive cure for the common cold is a prescription for cancelling all the plans you made before you g…
Health
Teenage boy summit signs accord for 19% cut to nocturnal emissions by 2030
GENEVA – The Teenage Boy International Summit announced in a communique this morning that an agreement has been reached to cut global nocturnal emissions nearly twenty percent over the next…
Being buried alive by nemesis now leading cause of death for young Canadians
OTTAWA – A recent paper by an inter-disciplinary panel has revealed that being entombed by one’s mortal enemy is now the most common cause of death among Canadians. “This really surprised u…
WHO report convinces chain smoker to give up red meat
TORONTO – Citing a new study from the World Health Organization linking red and processed meats to cancer, lifelong smoker Sofia Vial has vowed to never again eat bacon, ham, sausages, steak, or …
Nation still fighting this goddamn cold
CANADA – Six days after their throats started to get scratchy, the entire country is still trying to get over this fucking cold. “Shit,” said every person in the country, catchi…
High levels of childhood obesity in Canada ‘great for business’ says high school bully
PETERBOROUGH — Teenage tyrants across the country raised their victim’s underpants in jubilation today after learning that childhood obesity rates in Canada continue to rise “faster t…
Ontario middle schooler can’t believe he has so much orgy and Satanism homework
TORONTO – After only one week of the new sex-ed curriculum, local 7th grader Jimmy Donaldson can’t believe he has to spend the entire weekend doing group sex and devil-worship assignm…
New zero-emission blood donation van powered by blood
The Canadian Blood Services added their first zero-emission vehicle to their fleet of mobile donation labs with the BlooDrive 1, a van that gets 100% of it’s energy from the human blood it collec…
‘Female Viagra’ lets women with sexual dysfunction add fainting, nausea, dizziness to symptoms
RALEIGH, NC – This past week flibanserin or “female Viagra” was approved by the FDA, allowing women nationwide to combat low sex-drive while only suffering from of a long list of incapacita…
Students forced to stay home over Ontario sex ed curriculum pass time sexting
TORONTO – Students held back from school Monday by parents protesting the proposed sex ed curriculum report they managed to make good use of their free time by snapping full frontal nudes and sen…
