OTTAWA – After years of research into the human species’ most contemptible tendencies, a group of Conservative Party researchers have come across an entirely new kind of loathsomeness to ex…
Canada Votes 2015
Harper forced to ask Ford brothers to eat chicken wings more quietly at campaign appearance
ETOBICOKE, ON – During a speech in front of over a hundred supporters yesterday morning, Prime Minister Harper had to pause several times to ask Rob and Doug Ford to eat their chicken wings…
Elections Canada apologizes for long lines, offers voters complimentary ballots
OTTAWA — Taking responsibility for long wait times to vote, Elections Canada has offered all advanced voters complimentary ballots in addition to the one they’ve already cast. “We apologize…
Gilles Duceppe calls on other party leaders to give him fifteen dollars
QUEBEC CITY – Building on his reputation as a wild-card wiling to call out the other candidates on issues where they share the same biases, Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe has demanded…
Elections Canada recommends voters spend 5 minutes screaming into pillow each day
OTTAWA – As the nation enters the federal election home stretch, Elections Canada now suggests that any and all prospective voters take a few minutes each day to scream as long and loud as …
Harper says “most” cases of murdered Aboriginal women solved, “give or take a few thousand”
WHITBY, ON – Speaking at a campaign rally, Prime Minister Stephen Harper told reporters that there’s no need to start a federal inquiry into Canada’s missing and murdered Aboriginal women because…
Jason Kenney delivers speech with perfect, unaccented bigotry
CALGARY — In an effort to stir up Conservative supporters, Multiculturalism Minister Jason Kenney delivered a patriotic speech with impeccable and unaccented bigotry. “Wow, he must be from …
Conservative party concerned they’re being too subtle
OTTAWA – There is disquiet among Conservative Party members, as many within the party are worried that Canadians may not be receiving clear messages about the Conservatives’ stance on race and mu…
Hungover 16 year-old wakes up wearing ‘Re-elect Conservative Rick Dykstra’ button
ST. CATHARINES — After a long night out drinking with her friends, an unidentified high school girl woke up to find a Rick Dykstra button pinned to her side tie halter dress. “What happened…
New Plutocratic Party supporter going to strategically vote Conservative
CALGARY – After determining that his party was unlikely to win, New Plutocratic Party supporter Harris Wilkes has decided to hold his nose and vote for Stephen Harper. “Of course, I’d love …