Tory scientists discover new base instinct to appeal to - The Beaverton

Tory scientists discover new base instinct to appeal to

OTTAWA – After years of research into the human species’ most contemptible tendencies, a group of Conservative Party researchers have come across an entirely new kind of loathsomeness to exploit in key ridings across Canada.

“We found that human beings have a perverse, repressed will to murder and disfigure, to revel in a bacchanal of wretched atrocity,” said Tory researcher Chett Berwick. “And we thought, ‘hey, let’s use this for political gain’.”

The discovery of the ‘Thanatic Impulse’, a parasexual attraction to death and desolation came as a relief to the Conservative Party, who insiders say was running out of ideas after appealing to the prejudice, ignorance, shortsightedness and greed of their voter base.

“The Conservative party has always been about serving the needs, wants, hungers and lusts of its constituents,” the Prime Minister said. “No matter how deeply and rightfully buried.”

Ironically, the Thanatic impulse has inspired one of the few non-negative ads the Harper Conservatives have ever run. The ad, featuring an eyeless woman in the middle of the desert whose mouth is full of writhing maggots and the hand of a baby, contains no words at all, except for ‘yes’, ‘yes’ and ‘more’ repeated over and over again.

The ad, and others like it, was a success.

“At first it seemed like a gamble when we ran that ad where a man laughs and laughs while eating an entire fluorescent light bulb,” said one Conservative staffer. “But if anything, people liked it far, far, far, far too much.”

Since the ads began to air, support for the Conservatives has surged, as have sales of bird skull codpieces, spoiled chimpanzee meat, and lube.

Some self-described conservatives, however, have lamented the change that has come over Canada’s right wing.

“Conservatism in Canada used to mean more than just wanting to wrap yourself in necrotic tissue and run screaming into the forever-night,” wrote columnist . “I mean, obviously that was part of it, but we also believed in things like cutting transit subsidies.”

At press time, the new Conservative attack ad proved that was literally just not ready to defend his home and his person from a frenzied cannibal onslaught.