ETOBICOKE, ON – During a speech in front of over a hundred supporters yesterday morning, Prime Minister Harper had to pause several times to ask Rob and Doug Ford to eat their chicken wings more quietly.
“The economy is obviously a very importa- sorry, sorry, Rob? Doug? I don’t know if you guys realize, but, uh, you’re actually eating those things pretty loudly right now, and, yeah, there’s just, we’re getting an awful lot of feedback from it on the recording and in my earpiece,” the Prime Minister said. “Anyway, the econo- yeah, sorry, I can still hear you guys chewing.”
The Ford brothers sat in the front row of the event to show their support for the Prime Minister, and also to demolish a large white bucket of chicken wings coated in an assortment of sauces.
“Hot! Hot hot hot hot hot,” said Ford, fanning his open mouth while the Prime Minister struggled to act like he didn’t notice the interruption. “Pass me one of those blue-cheese ones, Dougie.”
While the sound of the Fords separating chicken meat from chicken bones with their lips and fingers was loud enough on its own, the Prime Minister was also forced to deal with the distraction of the Fords hi-fiving with their sauce-covered hands every time he mentioned low taxes, and shouting ‘Pussy’ every time he mentioned Justin Trudeau.
“Haha, well, that’s not how I’d put it, but thanks for your support, guys,” said Harper, after the third time he mentioned Trudeau’s name. “And also, just once again, really sorry to do this to you fellas, but could you please just chew a liiiiiiitle bit quieter, maybe with your mouths closed? Thanks. Yeah, haha, I know. Yeah, I’ve got your back, too, Rob and Doug. No, after, I’ll take a picture with you guys after the speech.”
Guests at the event say that, while the sound of the Fords smacking their lips and sucking chicken gristle from between their teeth was near-deafening, the smell of the chicken wings was also utterly overpowering.
“I’ve never smelled wings that smelled so much like chicken wings, and you could tell that the Prime Minister noticed it, too,” said local man Gerald Hendry. “I don’t know how he kept his composure, even when that little greasy chunklet soared out of Rob’s mouth to land on his lapel. I guess that’s why he’s been able to hold on to power all these years.”
Although the interruptions caused the speech to go almost forty minutes over time, experts say the Fords’ appearance may help Harper win seats in Ontario.
“We’re going to get Ford Nation on your side, Stevie. Just you wait and see,” Doug Ford said after the speech, slapping the Prime Minister on the back very hard with his unwashed hand. “Now here, you got to try one of these. I rubbed a mesquite bbq wing against a creamy dill wing to mix together the flavours. I call it creamy mesquite and you got to try it and I won’t take no for an answer.”
This is the first time the Ford Brothers have shown up at a campaign event since they arrived at the election party of Ontario Conservative leader Patrick Brown in a Trans Am filled with Jos. Louis’, BB guns, and a dancing bear.