TORONTO – After calling reports that McDonald’s uses foreign labour “bullshit”, CEO John Betts has been let go and replaced with a temporary foreign worker. “We decided that Joh…
CBC cuts force Radio 2 to just play a loon’s call on repeat
TORONTO – Due to the $130 million cuts to Canada’s national public broadcaster this year, CBC’s Radio 2 has been forced to reduce its broadcast to playing the call of a loon on repeat durin…
Air Canada admits it dropped the bag on luggage handling
SAINT-LAURENT, QC – Air Canada responded to a video of its passengers’ carry-on bags being tossed off the end of a jetway by admitting on Tuesday that they had dropped the bag on luggage ha…
Montreal police ready for Habs victory by pouring gasoline on cars
MONTREAL – In anticipation of a Canadiens victory against the Tampa Bay Lightning tonight, Montreal Police are preparing for an onslaught of overzealous and violent fans by dumping gasoline…
Asian rights groups satisfied with invasive species name change from “Asian Carp” to “Mexican Carp”
WASHINGTON – US Asian rights groups are pleased to hear the Department of Natural Resources has decided to change the name of an invasive carp species from “Asian Carp” to “Mexican Carp”. N…
Instagram crash forces thousands of teenage girls to go unharassed by James Franco
SAN FRANCISCO – Thousands of teenage girls woke up this Saturday disappointed that they received no harassment whatsoever by actor James Franco due to an Instagram crash. “I thought m…
News editor brilliantly simplifies complex scandal for nation by adding ‘gate’
TORONTO – CBC’s News Now production meeting was running long until chief editor brilliantly suggested adding the word ‘gate’ to the main noun of the major story to simplify the whole complex scan…
NRA concerned about rise in knife-related violence in schools
WASHINGTON – The National Rifle Association is raising the alarm about knife-related violence in the American school system after a recent knife attack at a Pennsylvania high school. “We ar…
McDonald’s introduces the McMigrant worker
VICTORIA – Fast food chain McDonald’s unveiled its new line of workers called the McMigrant on Monday. “Canadians are familiar with our minimum wage labour jobs that are usually occupied by…
