TORONTO – Since taking the Maple Leafs GM position just a few days ago, Dave Nonis has implemented sweeping changes to improve the struggling organization, most notably cutting waste, re-en…
Chris Spence offers suspiciously familiar apology
TORONTO – In press conference this morning, Chris Spence, the former head of the TDSB, took the opportunity to offer some borrowed words of remorse. “My mother always said that life is like…
8-year-old doesn’t realize he’s just lived the best day of his life
KINGSTON, ON – Local 8-year-old, Tommy Steiger, went to bed yesterday seemingly unaware he had just experienced the best day of his entire life. “Today was great! We went to the amuse…
Tension leading up to US elections turns out to be mostly sexual
WASHINGTON – In what is being called the largest ever release of pent-up sexual energy, both Democratic and Republican voters engaged in a nation-wide orgy to relieve some of the intense em…
Rookie cop throws up like a bitch
TORONTO – In a show of total lameness, officer Danny Preston found he was unable to control his woman-like stomach at the scene of a triple-homicide cult-killing yesterday afternoon. “…
Existence of nuclear waste facility under Parliament denied by Peter Kent’s left head
OTTAWA – During question period yesterday, Minister for the environment Peter Kent’s other head was once again forced to deny the existence of an illegal nuclear waste dump beneath th…
‘Hunger Games’ themed sweet sixteen gets way out of hand
BRACEBRIDGE, ON – Police were dispatched to the Claire family’s Arbordale residence yesterday morning, after reports that Madison Claire’s Hunger Games-themed birthday party had…
Leafs decide friendship more important than playoffs anyway
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs made a public statement today revealing that their friendship had, if anything, been strengthened by the team’s failure to make the playoffs for the …
