IGLOOLIK – As the long, dark winter approaches, Nunavut resident Joe Palluq has started the lengthy process of attaching snow chains to his dog team. “When it was only -15°C back in July we…
Middle-class Vancouver family can’t believe how many crawl spaces are in their price range
VANCOUVER – The Davidsons, a family of five, have easily discovered many reasonably priced crawl spaces, unoccupied walls, and under-porch real estate available in Vancouver, contradicting …
Trudeau considers re-muzzling scientists after 3 hour conversation about rare seaweed
OTTAWA – PM Justin Trudeau is reconsidering unmuzzling Canada’s scientists after a one-sided conversation about a rare New Zealand seaweed went on for more than 180 minutes. “Listen, I’m tr…
Marc Garneau fulfills childhood dream of becoming a Minister of Transport
OTTAWA – During yesterday’s cabinet appointments, former astronaut Marc Garneau was thrilled to discover that he had been made Minister of Transport, thus achieving his lifelong dream. “I c…
Confused ventriloquist can’t find favourite dummy or carving knife
DEER CREVICE, ON – Despite searching nearly everywhere, professional ventriloquist Alfred “The Amazing” de Lancy cannot find his best dummy, “Buster”, or the gleaming 8-inch kitchen knife t…
Full-grown snake only 4th most terrifying thing in bar bathroom
DEER CREVICE, ON – A group of university students reportedly received their 4th biggest shock of the night after discovering a full-grown snake inside the washroom of local dive bar, “Arty’…
Used mirror still has old owner’s reflection in it
DEER CREVICE, ON – Local woman Lauren Badami is considering returning a defective antique mirror she purchased that still reflects the cold, grey likeness of a man she assumes was its previ…
Minister of Aboriginal Affairs has seat taken from him, finally learns something about being Aboriginal
MADAWASKA-RESTIGOUCHE, N.B. – After having his riding ripped from his hands, his livelihood destroyed, and his power stolen, Bernard Valcourt, the outgoing Minister of Aboriginal Affairs, h…
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
WINNIPEG – For the first time in his long life, habitual abstainer Jack Pilman will cast a ballot in a Canadian election, throwing his support behind the Social Credit party. “Normally I ju…
Harper warns niqab could be used to conceal some kind of mouth gun
OTTAWA – After weeks of promising to ban the niqab from citizenship ceremonies, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has revealed that the face-covering garment could be more dangerous than origin…
