CANADA – With the larger part of Canada now experiencing prolonged periods of warmth, cats nationwide are once again reveling in their ability to defecate in the newly-planted gardens of Canada’s citizens.
“Aw geez, I just planted those lilies,” said Sault Ste. Marie man Glenn Howman, as neighbourhood cat Gustapher sauntered away with dirt on his paws and a look of pure delight on his face.
With average temperatures among provinces now having risen enough to support most gardening activity, reports of uprooted vegetable patches and horrible, not even functional as manure shits are coming in from around the nation.
“I’ve done everything I can to try and stop Princess Hercules,” said Edmonton woman Kate Jensen. “Treats, the spray bottle; nothing has worked. I gave up on fresh lettuce five years ago.”
Despite reports from cat owners of skyrocketing levels of smugness among pets, Canadians who don’t even own cats seem to be getting the worst of the epidemic.
“Just look at this,” exclaimed Kelowna woman Susan Danier, standing above local cat À la Cat as it nonchalantly scooted over the remains of her hydrangeas. “That’s the third time today. This bitch knows exactly what she’s doing.”
In the wake of three in four tomato plants being torn down to create more room for feline sewage, Canadians are asking why this must be the case every Spring.
“There’s a clear biological explanation for this,” said leading feline neurobiologist John Fendermane. “By measuring brain activity and endorphin levels, we’ve discovered that shitting in a painstakingly tended garden is one of the most pleasurable things a cat can do.”
“The activity ranks with behind being pet under the chin, and falls just behind maiming small animals.”
At press time cat owners had found that despite repeated trips the garden, their pets still somehow managed to fill their litter boxes at least three times a day.
