EDMONTON – With 76% of Albertans voting to reject a referendum on leaving Canada, the remainder of Canadians have registered “pleasant shock” at the province’s decision to, for once, not shoot itself in the foot.
“The tailing ponds, the UCP, Pierre Poilievre’s Stampede outfits – we’re just not used to Albertans acting in a non-embarrassing manner,” explains millions of Canadians as they wake up to see that Albertans will not pursue splitting the entire country apart over a narrative pushed by conspiracy grifters and American oil conglomerates.
While this result is consistent with the polls leading up to the vote, the rest of Canada was still prepared for Albertans to pursue the stupidest outcome, as is their tradition.
“We were all thinking, okay, most Albertans SAY they’d vote to not leave, or vote to not vote they’d leave, or whatever this nonsense was, but Albertans say a lot of things that aren’t true. So many of them honestly think they’re cowboys, despite not even knowing how to ride a horse,” said every other Canadian.
“It’s just so shocking that for once, Alberta didn’t Alberta,” other Canadians mused. “They did something reasonable. Of course, the only reason this vote even happened is because Alberta consistently votes for the kind of politicians who’d create a country-destroying referendum to placate the craziest faction of their own supporters. And in the process, they supercharged that faction’s ability to organize and disrupt Canadian politics, possibly for decades to come. So yeah, good outcome, but still done in the Albertaist way possible.”
Albertans have also been pleasantly surprised to discover that most of their neighbours aren’t, in fact, delusional enough to think that leaving Canada would be good for them.
“We were also worried that we were gonna fuck this up,” most Albertans admitted.
The rest of Canada was disappointed but not surprised to see that, based on the vote tally so far, it does look like Alberta voted yes on the other referendum questions regarding immigration and constitutional issues, thus giving Danielle Smith, the same woman who caused this entire debacle, exactly what she wanted.
“Alberta gonna Alberta,” the rest of Canada said ruefully.
