Laval, QC – Michelin announced today that it is awarding three stars to a Tim Hortons in Laval for the “culinary divinity that is their flatbread pizza”.
The guide has surprisingly few words for the dish considering that they have awarded the restaurant their highest honour solely for the flatbread pizza. Their entire entry reads: “In our over one hundred years of issuing these guides, no dish has left us at a loss for words quite like this Tim Hortons flatbread pizza. There is nothing we could say that would adequately describe the experience of eating this food”.
Michelin executives said that they made this announcement so long after the release of the dish because nobody believed the reviewer when he first said it was good. It was only after years of the reviewer’s evangelization that the Michelin executives thought to follow up.
Michelin executives say it was a rocky road to certifying the dish’s quality. “Initially we just tried a flatbread pizza from the first Tims we came across in Montreal, which wasn’t very good. He then told us that it was just from this one specific location in Laval, which was a nightmare to get to.” After a bus from the airport to the metro, and then two more buses in Laval, the Michelin executives were finally able to confirm what their reviewer had been repeating for the past three years: the dish was divine.
While Canadians were shocked by the news, none were more surprised than the employees of the now three Michelin star rated Tim Hortons location. Jasmine Charbonneau, a student who has worked part time at the location for the past four years, said, “Honestly man, I forgot we even sold those things.”
Her coworker, Anusha Chaudhary, is the only employee who recalls even ringing up orders for the flatbread pizza, but insists she has never made one herself. “We sell so few of them that we just make them to order, but every time someone would order one I would go in the back to make it and find that it was done and ready to go. I never saw who made them”. Chaudhary said that that never happens with other dishes. While she does find it creepy in retrospect, she says the experiences had only left her with a feeling of serenity. She likened it to the feeling of getting home from the last day of school and having your entire summer vacation ahead of you, where all of your hard work has paid off and everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. “Then my manager would break the spell and tell me I have to clean up the bathroom because someone tried to flush a cheese danish down the toilet”.
At press time, most Canadians continue to refuse to eat Tim Hortons flatbread pizza despite the new accolade.
