QUEEN’S PARK – After resale tickets to the Blue Jays’ World Series immediately skyrocketed into the thousands of dollars, Ontario Premier Doug Ford held a press conference to place the blame solely on the total dickhead of a premier who scrapped a resale-capping law in 2019.
“Folks, this ticket price gouging is a disgrace and I can’t believe some dipshit allowed it to happen in the first place,” Ford said this afternoon. “Rest assured, if I ever find the corrupt crap-weasel premier who caused this in 2019, I’ll threaten him like I threatened to beat up that totally real guy outside of Home Depot the other day.”
Ford went on to outline how a 2019 Ontario law, set to come into effect until it was “mysteriously killed by some jackass”, would have capped ticket resale prices at 50 per cent above the original face value.
“I mean seriously, folks, I can’t believe you all previously elected a guy who would do something like that,” the Premier continued. “You’re lucky you have me now, as opposed to whoever that guy was in April of 2019. What a jerk. I’m gonna create legislation that will stop this from happening again. Unless one of my donors asks me not to, in which case, I probably won’t.”
Taking the time out of his busy schedule ordering every bike in Toronto to be found and destroyed, Ford also railed against whichever Ontario Premier decided to defund healthcare, create defective blue license plates, and spend 400 million dollars on a spa parking lot that nobody asked for.
Premier Ford ended the press conference, stating, “The only institution that should be gouging the good people of Ontario is my own government when we start building that underground highway tunnel with your tax dollars. And let me be clear: when I am premier six years from now, I’ll be looking for the asshole who made THAT decision too!”
At press time, Ford was seen offering to invite whoever would give him a pair of Game 1 tickets to his daughter’s next wedding.
