PALO ALTO, CA – Across the United States and Canada social media users have noticed a recent trend of influencers heartily endorsing a system of landowning elites extracting service and labour from rent-paying serfs.
“What up you guys! It’s your girl Macie K here with another makeup tutorial that I have SO MUCH more time for lately, thanks to not owning my home or any of my possessions,” exclaimed beauty influencer Macie Kellerman to her 55.2k followers.
“Ever since I sold my land to a local noble, in this case Blackstone Private Equity, I can focus on bringing you this Easy Beginner Glow Up Makeup Tutorial,” Kellerman enthused, demonstrating a 3-in-1 Corrector, Concealer & Illuminator manufactured by a subsidiary of the same private equity firm.
“Remember to like and subscribe to see all my upcoming makeup videos, that is unless I’m commanded by my feudal Lord to take up arms and protect his land from external armies,” Kellerman concluded, before pointing to a bring pink link where subscribers could sign up to sell all their worldly possessions in exchange for feudal protection.
Across platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube, lifestyle influencers and content creators have noticeably pivoted en masse to extolling the virtues of living under set of reciprocal legal and military obligations beholden to a vassal.
“Welcome to the Boner Boys Podcast, where this week we’re ranking Jayden’s Top 5 DUIs, and paying sick fealty to the unquestioned Lord of our fiefdom, Oracle executive chairman and co-owner of TikTok, Larry Ellison,” announced host Kyle Slater, before swapping stories about how toiling in a system of feudal land tenure was “totally based!”
Media observers have noted the trend of popular online personalities suddenly endorsing the antiquated political system that flourished in medieval Europe from the 9th to 15th centuries. “I’m not saying that internet influencers are being paid to prime their followers to accept a post-capitalist society where they own nothing and live at the mercy of unfathomably wealthy corporations,” explains Professor Sonya Gremble, of the University of Toronto’s School of Media Studies.
“What I am saying is that this department was recently purchased by the Saudi Sovereign Wealth Fund,” Gremble added, “and I’m now obligated to invite you to subscribe to our latest series of online essays about how working long enough in your noble’s fields may one day earn you a promotion to knight.”
Meanwhile the influencer community has remained tight-lipped on what led them to embrace this centuries old societal model. “Binding NDA’s are also lit,” exclaimed popular Twitch streamer Bexx, aka Eric Bankfordd of Edmonton, to his 1.02 million followers. “I love streaming DOTA 2 almost as much as I love acknowledging my feudal Lord’s right to prima nocta over any and all members of his fiefdom!”
Bexx then closed his stream by directing followers to his Patreon, to offset how his feudal Lord had once again raised the tithe on Twitch streaming revenue.
At press time, North America’s influencers have begun being replaced by AI influencers who are all currently endorsing selling your healthy organs to extend the lives of wealthy billionaires.
