MAR-A-LAGO, FL – While steadfastly refusing to answer questions surrounding his ties to notorious sex criminal Jeffrey Epstein, U.S. President Donald Trump has reportedly considered releasing the DOJ’s Epstein Files anyway simply to satisfy his lifelong thirst to see his own name discussed in print media at any cost.
“Sure, releasing these Epstein Files could jeopardize my entire presidency and topple dozens of my billionaire donors. On the other hand, my name is ALL OVER these files, and then I’d get to see it on a bunch of TV screens. Tough decision,” Trump reportedly mused aloud while watching cable news coverage of himself.
White House insiders confirm that the president’s name appears so many times in the secret Epstein Files, often three to four times on a page, that it presents a potentially irresistible temptation for the Trump to broadcast it far and wide.
“We have to insert Mr. Trump’s own name in security briefings just to get him to pay attention for five minutes,” explained Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. “For the amount of times his name appears in the Epstein Files, that’s like catnip to him.”
Sources close to Trump report that the president’s well-documented narcissistic thirst to read his own name in a newspaper, or in the published pages of Epstein’s meticulous logs of celebrity perverts, is at risk of winning out over his own basic survival instinct.
“Usually Mr. Trump has a kind of animal cunning about which information to suppress, like the Russian Collusion investigation, or that time nobody found out about how he stole all the teddy bears from that orphanage,” explained longtime Trump fixer and U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi.
“But the amount of public media attention he would receive from releasing even just page 327 of the DOJ’s files, where Epstein secretly recorded Trump saying ‘My name is Donald J. Trump and I love doing unspeakable crimes with my best friend, Jeffrey Epstein’… I don’t think the president’s brain can resist the monumental dopamine surge he would get from that publicity.”
Eyewitnesses inside the President’s inner circle reveal that Trump is unable to resist the temptation of seeing his own name in print, whether it is in a social media feed, on a 24-Hour News chyron, or written on the side of a building he doesn’t actually own.
“One time a kid sent a letter to the White House where he spelled the word ‘TRUNK’ poorly and it kind of looked like it said ‘TRUMP’, and I swear the president stared at it for 3 solid hours,” explained Chief of Staff Susie Wiles.
At press time Trump is reportedly still weighing a decision whether to release all of the Epstein Files with his own name highlighted on each page, but will reportedly settle for getting his name in the news by declaring 200% tariffs on Canada.
