GRAND FORKS, BC – Police have charged 45-year-old Otis Claypool with criminal negligence after he left two milk crates filled with vinyl records inside his hot van for nearly an hour.
“Leaving 12” records inside a hot vehicle is extremely dangerous,” an RCMP spokesperson told reporters. “Not only because it can cause irreversible damage to the records themselves, but because it can severely damage whatever shred of ‘indie cred’ the owner has left.”
First responders were called to the scene at 1:38 PM, after a Save-On-Foods cart attendant spotted the records in the back of the accused’s 1996 Ford Aerostar. Among them were several early Rush pressings described as “worth a small fortune when not being slow cooked inside a van at 45°C.”
“Half of the 40 records inside were already warped and bending around the edges,” described one paramedic, recalling the scene after crews used the jaws of life in a desperate attempt to salvage the collection.
“We thought we could save them all,” they added, wiping away tears. “But ultimately, some of the warps were so severe that we had no choice but to… to pronounce most of them… unplayable.”
When reached for comment, Claypool, who had been in town browsing the thrift store for more records, insisted this was an “honest mistake” and how he is a “responsible collector.”
“I’d never leave them there on purpose, not when most of them go for hundreds of dollars on Discogs,” said Claypool.
He later added that next time he would try parking in the shade instead of leaving his van in direct sunlight for the better part of an afternoon.
At press time, the remaining 20 records were listed in stable condition and were resting beneath several heavy coffee-table books in the hopes they could be flattened back into shape.
