MEDICINE HAT, AB – A local woman who claims to miss her ex-boyfriend really just misses her ex’s pet cat.
“He was always so warm and affectionate, you know?” said Isabelle Lang, staring wistfully at a framed picture of her ex-boyfriend Justin that prominently features his orange tabby cat Justininian. “He always knew when I was having a rough day and just needed a cuddle. Or when I was having a good day and deserved a cuddle. Or when I was having an unremarkable day that would be instantly improved by a cuddle.”
“He was just the sweetest, most considerate guy I’ve ever met.”
Lang went on to describe several of “Justin’s” other praiseworthy qualities, including killing the mice her landlord didn’t think were a problem, always being down for a cozy nap, and frequently offering to share his food even though it was disgusting.
“Sure, he didn’t pay rent, make any of his own meals, or clean his own toilet, but isn’t true love worth it?”
Lang’s friend Amber Williams understands her pain. “We used to go on the loveliest walks together,” says Williams, allegedly referring to her ex-fiancé Cooper, who has an Irish Setter named Copper. “He knew all my favourite spots. Loved me even when my allergies flared up. He even knew when I was in the mood for an ice cream cone, because he would miraculously also be in the mood for an ice cream cone.”
Rather than give in to the urge to text her ex, Lang has decided to focus her energy on determining her ideal traits in a partner. So far, her list includes red hair, impeccable grooming habits, a hatred for everyone else on Earth except her, and a willingness to kill bugs.
At press time, Lang had reportedly found love again with a handsome tuxedo man named Oliver.
