WASHINGTON D.C. – Faced with criticism that he has no strategy or timeline for his sudden invasion of Iran, President Trump insisted to Congress that a plan does exist and that it has been drafted entirely by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
“People say that I’m just bombing Iran with no idea what I’m doing, which is false, because Bibi knows exactly what I’m doing,” Trump shouted in a videotaped address to Congress which only contained a dozen noticeable edit points.
Joint U.S. and Israeli airstrikes quickly eliminated Supreme Iranian Leader Ayatollah Ali Hosseini Khamenei, whose repressive regime has been a state sponsor of terror for decades, though the president conceded “it gets a little fuzzy beyond that point. Fortunately, Bibi did all the homework on the group assignment.”
“The awesome might of the American military will crush the Iranian military, under the command of Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu, we love Bibi,” Trump added, nodding off between sentences. “He even said I can go golfing while he handles all the boring war stuff, which I’d love to do if there was still blood flowing to either one of my hands.”
Trump clarified that “outsourcing” the Iran war to Netanyahu would function “just like how Little Marco Rubio planned and executed the whole Venezuela coup. Remember Venezuela? I sure don’t.”
The President went on to insist that Netanyahu and his “cabinet of fun lunatics” have a comprehensive military plan of action to reshape the Middle East as they see fit, “regardless of how many billions of American tax dollars or servicemen’s lives it requires.”
“They’re gonna wipe out the Iranian people, or is it their Pharaoh, I honestly can’t remember. It sounds better when Bibi explains it,” Trump mumbled, before drifting off into a 35 minute anecdote about the time he felt up Miss America 1986 against her will backstage at the CableACE Awards.
Reached for comment, Prime Minister Netanyahu echoed Trump’s assurances. “Rest assured, American fools, that I have been handed carte blanche to use your entire military as I see fit, and will provide you with detailed receipts of all the schoolchildren I use it to eradicate.”
