WASHINGTON, D.C. – America’s top legal minds have reported utter bafflement at the news that former prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has arrested by U.K. police due to his connections with Jeffrey Epstein, in the same week that South Korea’s ex-president Yoon Suk Yeol was jailed for life after masterminding an insurrection.
Scholars from the United States’ top legal schools, as well as heads of numerous prestigious firms, responded with utter confusion as other countries did even the absolute bare minimum to hold powerful heads of state to account for past crimes.
“Wait, I’m pretty sure that arresting a man for breaking the law with Jeffrey Epstein is, itself, against the law”, commented Clarence P. Alford, the Charles Gottleib Professor of Criminal Law at Harvard University. “It’s doubly illegal if that man is extremely wealthy, which I’m sure Prince Andrew must be. Weird!”
“I assumed there must’ve been a statutory exemption for using the legal system to harass a political rival to the president,” added Susan Hefferman, partner at New York City’s renowned Hefferman & White law firm. “But it turns out these men weren’t a political threat to anybody. It says here England doesn’t even have a president, which I’m sure must be a typo.”
Every legal titan contacted responded with utter incredulity that a nation might attempt to investigate, let alone convict, a well-connected elite for any sort of crime whatsoever. Many responded proudly that the United States justice system would never allow for such an indecent display.
“Here in America, we handle criminality among our upper class in the proper manner,” explained Supreme Court Justice Samuel A. Alito, Jr., “by electing them to serve as president for a second term. And possibly a third, if I can make up some precedent.”
In a related story, President Donald Trump has announced that he will be selling the state of Wyoming, with all proceeds going to his family’s cryptocurrency exchange.
