DAVOS, SWITZERLAND – Following his poorly-received and rambling address at the World Economic Forum, U.S. President Donald Trump angrily demanded that Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney personally give him the standing ovation he earned for his speech yesterday.
“That foreign lady gave me her Nobel Prize last week, which means I won a Nobel Peace Prize,” Trump railed to the assembled dignitaries and business leaders. “So now this week I want Carney to give me his stupid standing ovation, which will prove that I’m the better public speaking guy.”
“Canada lives because of the U.S., which means all of your standing ovations are my rightful property, you Maurice Richard-loving losers.”
Trump’s speech, which stretched for over 65 minutes and saw him frequently confuse Greenland and Iceland, was met with a smattering of polite yet stunned applause. This led the Commander In Chief of the United States to demand he be gifted the much larger and more enthusiastic round of applause which followed Carney’s speech about global middle powers resisting U.S. hegemony.
“How dare that Canadian son of a bitch upstage me at whatever this event is, the WWF I think? By the way, have I ever told you about how big Hulk Hogan’s penis was? Great guy, personal friend. Me and him and Jeff Epstein had some wild times, I’l tell you… wait, what was I talking about?” Trump asked the thinning crowd, before nodding off for several minutes.
Questioned how someone could be physically given a round of applause, Trump woke with a start and responded, “DO I look like I give a shit? I want it, so give it to me, now!”
At press time, Prime Minister Carney has reportedly returned to Ottawa where there is absolutely no expectation for his speeches to be inspiring.
