MINNEAPOLIS, MN — While details surrounding the shooting death of Renee Nicole Good, 37, in Minneapolis yesterday are still emerging, one fact is certain: the ICE agent who pulled the trigger will face consequences, up to and including the jealousy of his coworkers.
“Man, he’s so lucky! That was some straight-up GTA V shit,” said a masked, anonymous member of the ICE shooter’s tactical team. “But we also have legitimate questions, like ‘Why couldn’t it have been me?’”
Another masked team member agreed, “Bro’s a decent agent, but a sweet headshot like that? He got lucky. Lotta guys think so.” One masked agent pouted, “I joined ICE for the obvious reason – to shoot and kill other human lives with impunity – but thus far all I’ve gotten to do is ride in a truck and harass vulnerable immigrants. Which is fun enough, I guess…”
Amid an outcry from residents for justice for Good, a mother of three, and the vocal rebukes to ICE’s presence from Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey, the ICE agents closest to the controversy had other concerns. “If numbnuts gets some kind of bonus cheque, he better take us out for wings and shots, that’s all I’m saying” said one agent, to nods of agreement from fellow officers.
Bella Ried, an expert in group dynamics, said the agent in the spotlight may be subject to the Tall Poppy Syndrome, where a group punishes members who rise too high in status above the others. “When a group wants to bring a member down a peg, it’s usually subtle, but with a group of pseudo-military incel sociopaths, I’m guessing it’s pretty on-the-nose.”
“We’re going to start calling him Little Missy,” said the shooter’s teammate, “because he took three shots, but not all of them hit. He missed, get it? Plus it’s funny to call him a girl.”
One ICE agent put the situation in context. “You’ve got to understand, days like that are why most of us signed up for this job in the first place. We’ve been dreaming about it since we were little kids, playing with toy guns and hurting our pets.”
When asked if the agent in question would face consequences other than social awkwardness, U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem said, “Our internal affairs department takes all complaints or accusations against agents very seriously before dismissing them. Each case is thoroughly investigated prior to burning it.”
One agent grew philosophical as he summed up the experience. “We troll each other, but hey, that’s what brothers do. What really matters is that America gets less woke, one funeral at a time.”
