OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney and Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi have reportedly outlined a first draft of the Comprehensive Economic Partnership Agreement, which includes a sub-clause limiting India to only one extra-judicial killing on Canadian soil annually.
“India is the world’s 5th largest economy, and a partnership with them will make life more affordable for Canadians, especially for whichever specific Canadian Modi decides to have killed that year,” Carney said in a recent press conference.
“I know it sounds like a steep price, but considering that Trump has full-on asked me to turn the Yukon into a giant American strip mine, I’d say it’s not too unreasonable as far as concessions to majoritarian pseudo-cult leaders go,” Carney added.
“If we have to make concessions to a Muslim-hating billionaire demagogue, at least it’ll be for the one who can find Canada on a map.”
The current structure of the deal has Canada and India’s diplomats meeting annually to negotiate on the killing. India will present a list of a few hundred Canadians they want to get rid of, and Canada will then narrow it down to three. The final decision will then be kept secret from Canada, so law enforcement will not be tempted to prevent the agreement’s proceedings.
India will also have the option to not kill anyone in exchange for two assassinations the following year, as long as the first kill happens in the first 3 months. Reportedly, an earlier draft of the deal allowed Canada to choose the victim, but was rejected as Canada kept selecting Kevin O’Leary.
Prime Minister Modi has also expressed optimism for the deal, claiming to have been surprised by Carney’s negotiating skills.
“I have to admit, Carney drives a hard bargain,” Modi condeded. “I’m not happy about leaving without those five riots a year I wanted to start in Canada, but he wouldn’t budge. When I told him he could use the sub-clause to have Dannielle Smith and the entire Bloc Québécois killed, he barely looked tempted. His poker face is better than Putin’s.”
If passed, the deal will see an increase in the exchange of exports from Canada (such as legumes, coal, and the lives of activists) for exports from India (such as pharmaceuticals, textiles, and chances for CSIS to actually do something).
While some have given the Prime Minister praise for boosting Canada’s victim sector in a deal that is still significantly less harmful to the nation than whatever the US would make us sign. Still, some of Carney’s critics have argued that this new deal with India is derivative of his earlier proposed trade agreement with Taiwan, which allows them to kill 500 people unless Trump raises the tariffs again.
