SMITHS FALLS, ON ― In an attempt to assuage customers’ consciences and boost last-minute Christmas Eve sales, local handmade clothing store, The Silver Thread, has announced that they will not force overtime on those of their employees who actually have loved ones they could be gathering with this December.
“We always want the best for our employees here at The Silver Thread. And there is nothing more precious in life than the memories you make when you see your niece’s eyes light up at the gift you carefully chose for her, or while laughing with the childhood friend you only see once a year when you both return to your hometown,” said Damian Grant, the owner of The Silver Thread.
“But some people don’t have nieces or friends, or anyone who cares to spend time with them for any reason other than pity. And in that case, the second-most precious thing in life is cold, hard cash. Which is why we think it is best that our most deeply and chronically lonely employees work a minimum of 60 hours a week this December.”
Grant defended himself against claims that he is cruel, exploitative, and very very bad at public relations by explaining that The Silver Thread has a long track record of progressive initiatives. “This applies regardless of religious beliefs. So whether you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Diwali, or Kwanzaa, or just enjoy seeing people, hypothetically if you knew any, at the darkest, coldest time of year, we guarantee you’ll get to be with those closest to you.”
“It’s just the reality, though, that for a lot of our workers, many of which are immigrants whom we generously allow to work for us and who will be kicked out of the country if they ever stop, hint hint, they don’t have anyone closer to them than the random customers they make small talk with or get screamed at by all day. Just like your real extended and immediate families, respectively.”
Some customers have responded positively as holiday shopping ramps up. “I was skeptical at first. Like, the idea is nice, but there can’t be that many employees whose lives are completely barren of all affection. The last thing I want is to be caught up in a long line because they’re understaffed,” recalled local lawyer, Silvia Meyer.
“I forgot just how isolated our world has become, though. With the loneliness epidemic, I’d say the service has actually improved compared to last year. These workers are just desperate to be needed for anything by anyone. Although I think some just need the cash so badly, they’re simply pretending to be unworthy of love.”
Others, however, are calling for a boycott. “This is just blatant discrimination to me. Everybody should be forced equally to sacrifice their personal lives for capitalism. After all, with the overcommercialization of Christmas, that’s really what the season is all about,” insisted Lydia Vasquez.
This is not the first holiday scandal The Silver Thread has weathered. Last year, a mislabelling fiasco led to them delivering a whole batch of sweaters which, like the heart of Grant and the wages of his employees, were two sizes too small.
