WASHINGTON, D.C. – With many of Jeffrey Epstein’s documents and emails now available to the public, subtle messages from the disgraced financer like “Donald Trump is a sex criminal I have done sex crimes with” and “Would anyone like to hear about how big of a pervert Donald Trump, the pedophile, is?” have raised some questions about the President’s credibility.
“There have previously been some vague insinuations that President Donald Trump is a pedophile and a sex criminal, like when several people credibly accused him of being a sex criminal, and when he was caught on tape saying, ‘I, Donald Trump, am a sex criminal,’” a CNN analyst said. “But this is the most intriguing evidence yet that the President might have possibly engaged in some behavior that certain voters might consider dubious.”
Journalists are still pouring through the tranche of 20,000 files, which contain potentially damaging statements like, “I know I’m just emailing to schedule a haircut but have I mentioned that Donald Trump is a huge pedophile?” and “Donald and I are getting together to commit some pedophile sex crimes together this weekend, would anyone like to join us? – Jeff.” But the early reaction to these revelations has been mixed.
Fox News, for example, has called the files, the entirety of Jeffrey Epstein’s life, and the majority of our collective human existence a left-wing hoax, while the New York Times has cautioned that it’s too early to draw any sweeping conclusions from statements like, “Yo, it’s your boys Jeffy and Donny T., who’s up for some last second sex offenses tonight???”
Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has stated that messages from Epstein like, “Just to be 100% clear, Donald Trump is so guilty of sex crimes that even I, a pedophile sex criminal, think he’s gross” is clear proof that President Trump is not guilty of sex crimes.
“The real sex crime here is not supporting our President,” Leavitt told reporters, before vanishing in a puff of foul smoke.
At press time, Trump had cleared everything up by posting, “Unlike the Democrats, I have never done many cherished sex crimes with my beloved pedophile friend who I don’t know.”
