WASHINGTON D.C. – With the release of thousands of emails from notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein implicating President Donald Trump, the POTUS is deflecting by boldly alleging that every single man, woman, and child living in the United States are also named in the secret files.
“Sure, maybe I’m in the Epstein Files, but so are ALL OF YOU, so we should probably just all drop this, okay?” explained a visibly annoyed Trump as he boarded Air Force One. “If the fake news media is attacking me but NOT attacking Martha Sperts in Akron, 5-year-old Timmy Grables in Arizona, and the entire population of Denver, Colorado, then I’m being treated VERY unfairly.”
The Commander in Chief then took to his Truth Social platform to continue accusing all 342,034,432 Americans of having conspired with the disgraced financier.
“The story the lying media WON’T REPORT ON is how every American also probably did creepy stuff on Epstein Island, which if you think about it makes it TOTALLY NORMAL, and so then nobody should have any problem or keep asking questions about WHAT I DID behind closed doors with underage girls supplied by my best friend Jeff, may God rest his perverted soul. FAKE NEWS! Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
Across Conservative media, pundits immediately took up President Trump’s accusation, asserting that it was entirely possible that over 300 million Americans will appear in the unreleased Epstein Files.
“Who cares if this Epstein conspiracy goes all the way to the top, when it apparently goes all the way to the middle,” reported far right streamer Tucker Carlson. “Like it or not, viewer, you are in those files, your neighbour is in those files, and I am in those files. Well, actually, I am in the Epstein files, but that was an unrelated massage thing.”
Carlson then linked to a report by Sirius XM host Megyn Kelly, titled “Is Being In The Epstein Files The New Punk Rock? Why 14 Years Old Is Old Enough To Have Been Totally Asking For It”.
Today, Americans woke up to the news that they are all allegedly named in the Epstein Files, despite many of them having been born after Epstein’s death by suicide in 2019.
“I seem to recall flyig to a tropical island in 1998, which I thought was an all-inclusive in the Dominican, but in fairness I was pretty drunk,” recalls Chester Spriggs, of Montana.
“I did make hunting pedophiles my entire personality when QAnon was big online, but if President Trump says I and he were part of that cabal of elite sex criminals, then who am I to question his wisdom,” explained Sister Sherilyn Greaves, of the Holy Trinity Convent in Muncie, IN.
“Yeah, you got me,” said lawyer and law professor Alan Dershowitz.
At press time, President Trump was also accusing every U.S. citizen of selling pardons from the Oval Office and laundering the bribes through their crypto exchanges.
