TORONTO – With newly released files from notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein implicating President Trump in a world of elite, amoral power players, Canadian businessman Kevin O’Leary has formally requested that Trump insert his name into those files as well.
“The men named in the Epstein Files are powerful, merciless, and unfathomably wealthy, and it would really boost my reputation if people thought I was also one of them,” pleaded O’Leary in a formal petition to the Trump White House’s Office of Pervert Resources. “It’s getting harder for me to get media airtime, and doing news hits on Fox Business about how Canada should be the 51st state isn’t cutting it anymore. I need to be in these files!”
O’Leary’s petition goes on at great length to request his inclusion in the heavily-redacted files, despite the businessman never having once met Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, or any of his various shady underlings at any point.
“While I was neither wealthy nor famous enough in the 1990s to get an invite to Epstein Island,” O’Leary continued, “or even be a +1 to one of his infamous underage model parties in Manhattan, it would make me seem so much more important if people thought I might be that relevant.”
“All press is good press, am I right, Donald,” O’Leary added, before correcting himself. “Sorry, I mean President Trump. Sir.”
Kevin O’Leary, also referred to as “Mr. Wonderful” by himself, has faced no allegations whatsoever of being a part of Jeffrey Epstein’s tightly-cloistered world of power, secrets, and depraved excess. Experts point out that while Epstein was growing his monstrous empire and harvesting blackmail on high profile billionaires, O’Leary was busy getting fired from a company he had sold to Mattel in what was later called “one of the most disastrous corporate acquisitions in recent business history”.
“See, in a way I’m also a bad boy of the business world,” O’Leary noted in his letter, “Definitely Epstein List material!”
To further burnish his case as belonging among the despicable Epstein List power players, O’Leary offered to send Trump a DVD box set of his appearances on CBC’s Dragons’ Den. “See Mr. Trump, I also hosted a reality show in the 00’s where my image was carefully curated to pretend that I’m a shrewd and successful businessman, just like you!”
Should the Dragons’ Den reel not be enough, O’Leary also offered to secure his space on the Epstein List by including compromising evidence about how he was “totally driving the speedboat that night.”
At press time the White House was ignoring O’Leary’s petition, mostly because President Trump was busy deciding whether to distract from Epstein Files by invading Venezuela or Canada.
