EDMONTON – The government of Alberta has declared all citizens must now carry a little picture of Premier Danielle Smith in their wallets.
Smith made the announcement this week in front of a giant image of her own face. “This is about streamlining Albertans’… access to my face,” she said, gesturing at her own visage. “Canadian citizens will carry my professional headshot, while immigrants and other undesirables will carry an image of me giving them the stink eye and the middle finger.”
When reminded that many people no longer carry wallets in favour of mobile payment systems, Smith suggested alternatives, such as making her face their phone wallpaper, carrying the photo in their jeans’ watch pocket, or getting her image tattooed on their forearm where she can stare at them at all times.
“I mean, who wouldn’t want to look at THIS all the time?” said Smith, stroking her own reflection in a UCP-branded mirror. “Look at that punim! I mean… look at that lewk! No, that’s too gay. Look at that… non-Jewy non-trans word for face.”
Smith went on to extol the many virtues of citizens having constant access to her face. “What better way to remind marginalized people that we are always watching? Also, declaring citizenship by carrying around my face will make it easier for Albertans to apply for things like student aid, health benefits, and disability services — and way easier for us to deny them.”
Smith, along with Dale McNally, Minister of Service Alberta and Red Tape Reduction, went on to announce several new appointments within the provincial government, including the Minister of Diversity Reduction, the Minister of Service Denial, and the Minister of Inventing Stupid Names for Make-Believe Jobs.
At press time, Smith was reportedly also considering having Albertans wear a large red “A” on their clothes.
