ANCHORAGE, AK – International political observers are stunned today after U.S. President Donald Trump made the controversial move of asking Russian President Vladimir Putin for a 20% gratuity, “as a suggested minimum”, after selling him the country of Ukraine.
Following the two leaders’ highly-anticipated meeting in Alaska, where Trump made the wholly expected move of immediately abandoning Ukraine to the Russian forces that illegally invaded it 3 years ago, witnesses were stunned when Trump handed Putin a small iPad and demanded a tip on top of the sale.
“Had Donald come all the way to me to sell out the democratically-elected country of Ukraine, I would understand tipping on the delivery,” explained a flabbergasted Putin to the gaggle of remaining reporters he had not yet disappeared to Siberian gulags. “But I had to go all the way to Alaska to pick it up!”
“Tipping culture has gotten completely out of control,” added Putin, before ordering more drone strikes on Ukrainian pediatric hospitals.
Trump’s move was met by shock from the international diplomatic community. “It’s bad enough to double cross a long time ally in order to benefit from a transparently corrupt quid pro quo between two authoritarian pseudo-strongmen,” observed UN Secretary-General António Guterres, “But asking for a 20% tip on top of that is absolutely monstrous!”
Following the perfunctory meeting where the country of Ukraine was betrayed by its former ally to hostile neighbouring power, Trump addressed reporters about his decision to request an additional 20 or more percent on top.
“Look, it’s called the gig economy, and tipping is a big big part of it,” Trump answered after a reporter asked when he plans to release the Epstein files. “You look at Uber Eats, we love Uber Eats, and they figured out how to become the middle man for restaurant delivery, so the sap delivering the food and the dipshit restaurant don’t get paid squat.”
Trump continued, “In this example I’m Uber Eats delivering the soggy pad thai, which is the sovereign nation of Ukraine, to the hungry customer, which is President Putin, and that’s why I deserve a 20% or probably a 28% tip.”
Asked whether he had ever considered not selling out Ukraine’s interests to Russia, Trump answered, “No, that was the deal we arranged.”
At press time Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was planning a diplomatic mission to one of the many countries he is able to freely travel to because he’s not a fucking war criminal.
