SIDNEY, B.C. – Green Party Leader Elizabeth May told supporters Tuesday that she won’t be leading the party into the next election, after Green Party leaders, members, and staff told her exactly the same thing in no uncertain terms.
“I am definitely making this announcement of my own volition, completely unrelated to the tidal wave of calls for me to step aside so that the Green Party can try literally anything else,” explained May to a collection of stone-faced supporters holding signs with slogans like “STEP DOWN NOW” and “YOU’RE NOT LEADING US IN THE NEXT ELECTION ELIZABETH”.
May went on to insist that her decision to step down has “absolutely nothing at all” to do with criticisms of her complete inability to grow the Green’s seat count in Parliament, attain official party status, or move the political needle in any discernible way.
“My decision to not lead us Greens into the next election is based on entirely personal factors,” May insisted, “and not on the thousands of emails, voicemails, and one unusually angry singing telegram which just so happened to demand this same outcome.”
Despite failing to expand the Green Party’s power across five separate elections, or even to secure a place in April’s leaders debate, May insists she remains confident that she has the full support of her party.
“I guarantee they all love me around here,” May noted, explaining that several staffers openly giving her the middle finger was “an inside office joke”.
At press time May clarified that not leading the Green Party into the next election doesn’t mean that she’s stepping down as party leader, to which the entire Green Party re-clarified that “it sure fucking does”.
