STARLAND, AB – CPC Leader Pierre Poilievre’s chances in the upcoming Battle River-Crowfoot election have been thrown into doubt, after his competitors announced that oppo research has unearthed Poilievre’s shocking past as Leader of the Opposition.
With the by-election only a month away, Poilievre’s victory had seemed as inevitable as horses dying at the Calgary Stampede. Or it did, until his competitors announced the shocking revelations that have rocked Poilievre’s campaign to the core. “It’s one thing to find out he was Leader of the Opposition,” said one unnamed Conservative pollster, “but it’s another to see just how bad he was at it. Wow.”
Rumours are swirling about the most damning discoveries, such as Poilievre singing “New York, New York” during Question Period, getting ejected by the Speaker of the House for calling Justin Trudeau a “wacko,” and repeated claims that electricians take lightning from the sky and put it into wires. One source pointed to evidence of Poilievre frequently bringing up women’s biological clocks as especially off-putting and “really not helping combat his whole incel vibe.”
The revelations – the product of countless research hours in obscure databases such as CPAC and Youtube – couldn’t come at a worse time for Poilievre. The beleaguered party leader was expected to win this Conservative stronghold as handily as he lost his home riding to Liberal Bruce Fanjoy in April.
Poilievre’s opponents are now hopeful they can turn the tables, citing focus group reactions to their research. Karen Lakest from Kneehill commented, “Did you know he’s obsessed with dumb little slogans? ‘Axe the Tax’, ‘Boots Not Suits’, ‘Spike the Hike’ – he’s like if the most obnoxious kid on the Debate Team bought a rhyming dictionary.”
Bradley Vernend of Camrose was unimpressed to learn of Poilievre’s past attempts at humour. “The guy literally stands in a deli and says ‘We’re cutting the ham and the taxes so you can bring home the bacon.’ As someone who loves comedy, I’m fucking outraged.”
Poilievre campaign manager Jenni Byrne downplayed the situation. “Memories are very short nowadays, but these incidents are truly ancient history. I mean, he said the bacon thing all the way back in March.”
His team stressed that Poilievre’s confidence is high and the odds of him losing two easy ridings in the same year are low, “statistically speaking, anyway”.
Poilievre himself took to social media to call for an end to muck-raking in Canadian politics, which he plans to confront head-on with a brand new slogan “Stoppo the Oppo.”
