BRUSSELS, BELGIUM – In addition to signing a strategic partnership with the European Union, Prime Minister Mark Carney has brokered a far more important deal allowing Canada to finally take part in the Eurovision Song Contest.
Carney brought Canada and Europe closer as he signed a strategic defence and security partnership with the European Union, before then hurrying to a meeting with the Eurovision Broadcasting Union.
The Eurovision subsection of the defence agreement will allow Canadian companies to participate in the $1.25-trillion ReArm Europe program, while allowing Canada’s weirdest music producers free rein to enter original earworm pop songs paired with bafflingly elaborate stage production value into the 59-year-old contest.
“For too long, Canadian sovereignty has been jeopardized while we watched with envy as Europe’s most eccentric singers paraded their stuff on the global stage, unleashing hit after hit,” Carney explained. “That time is over.”
The strategic Eurovision agreement will open the door for Canada to deploy music acts abroad, including Avril Lavigne, the Weeknd, and in the event of an all-out multilateral assault, Carly Rae Jepsen.
Eurovision hawks have speculated the deal might see the return of Céline Dion, who won in 1988 representing Switzerland with the song, “Ne Partez Pas Sans Moi”.
“If I may: imagine a triumphant return of Céline to Eurovision,” Carney added, growing more animated. “On a stage made from the finest aluminium Jonquière can produce, flanked by Shania Twain, Fesit, and anyone other than Drake.”
Carney continued, breathlessly, “And the stage is designed to look like Canada from coast to coast to coast with totem poles, lighthouses, the CN tower, and there’s, like, flames shooting out everywhere. And Céline enters on a giant Canada goose!”
“Oh, and the defence stuff will be good for global security, I guess,” he added.
In a related story, US President Donald Trump has bragged on Truth Social that the United States once again won this latest season of American Idol.
