OTTAWA – Shockwaves spread throughout the House this week when staffers realized that the vaguely threatening elf watching their every move was actually the leader of the Opposition in a festive winter accessory.
“At first, all I noticed was a judgemental frown paired with unnerving elven features”, shared the honourable Carla Qualtrough, Liberal MP for Delta. “But when he muttered something about how I’d better ‘stay on his nice list’ or he’ll take away gender-affirming surgery, that’s when I realized I was dealing with Pierre”.
Staffers report that they started to question the identity of the elf, who spent all of December spying on them from the library, their offices, and even from atop Parliament’s Ceremonial Mace, after he punished them for highly specific types of naughty behaviour.
“My office got ransacked after I said that a career politician couldn’t possibly be anti-elite or anti-establishment”, explained an anonymous staffer. “I don’t wanna point fingers, but the culprit’s tiny footprints lead all the way back to Pierre Poilievre’s taxpayer-funded residence”.
Poilievre, however, claims that he has no connection to Parliament’s elf, but assures voters that, “Santa will definitely bring everyone affordable housing as long as you protest the carbon tax like good boys and girls”.
“Plus, it’s not like I need cheap tricks to reach my goals when I’m armed with reason and logic,” barked Poilievre while decked out in a pom-pom hat and cute bells. “And to anyone who claims that I took a dump in the House of Commons because someone said that investing in crypto won’t make you cool, I wanna ask… did anybody see me do it? No…? That’s what I thought”.
At press time, staffers were busy desperately trying to remind Trudeau that not everyone has to dress up.
