GATINEAU, QC – Matilda Hammond, a work-from-home closed-caption writer, caught up with some university pals at a bar for three hours last month, and then rewarded herself by spending the next 32 days by not leaving her apartment.
“I’m your typical half-extrovert, half-introvert. When I go out and socialise, I need some time afterwards to recharge,” Hammond stated, grabbing a can of Spaghettios from a hidden underground bunker filled to the brim with provisions. “I usually unwind with a 22 hour nap and then binge 3 to 16 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. You know, classic ambivert.”
Jade Pace, a friend who attended the social gathering, claimed she’s grown used to Hammond’s behaviour. “Matilda was her usual fun self. She bought us shots and enthusiastically told us about a novella she was writing. Then when we suggested taking the party to a karaoke bar, Matilda faked getting a phone call that her grandma was dying and rushed out,” Pace recalled. “It was just a bit awkward considering we were out celebrating HER birthday.
“But hey, that’s Matilda. Maybe we’ll see her during the next presidential administration”
“I just recharge in different ways,” Hammond continued. “After a wedding recently, I had to adopt a therapy cat who sat on my lap purring for 4 consecutive days. Once after a family gathering, I made a fort out of my bed sheets and played The Sims for a week straight until the youngest 7th generation sim died burning alive after making a grilled cheese.”
“And only last year, after having to call to make my own dentist appointment, I built a shack in the woods and lived off the land and only communicated with squirrels for 5 and a half months,” Hammond added, applying duct tape over the edges of her curtains. “We all gotta recharge.”
At press time, to celebrate acting cordial after running into an ex, Hammond was seen googling how to become a millionaire so she could take a rocket to Mars and become the only resident; unbothered, alone, and free.