OTTAWA – The highly-anticipated Emergencies Act Inquiry report by Commissioner Paul Rouleau finds that the Trudeau Government’s invocation of the act did indeed meet the legislation’s high “asshole threshold”.
“Lawful protest descended into lawlessness, and more importantly assholeness, culminating in a national emergency,” he wrote in his report, tabled Friday in the House of Commons.
The “Freedom Convoy” protests, which shut down Ottawa’s core for nearly a month, resulted in widespread reports of asshole behaviour, coupled with moronic property destruction and general dickishness. While many protestors and crowdfunding rightwing pundits insist that Trudeau overreached with the Emergencies Act, the Commissioner’s report makes it clear that Ottawa “was indeed overrun by assholes”.
In addition, Rouleau also noted that the Emergencies Act was properly invoked due to the separate “useless asshole” standard, which was clearly met by Ontario’s Ford Government and the Ottawa Police Service.
In response, Premier Ford disputed that he behaved in an asshole fashion. “I’m the Premier of Ontario, not the Premier of Ottawa,” exclaimed Ford from a fresh Muskoka snowmobile trail. “Besides, if the people of Ottawa wanted my help, they should have paid $150 to come to my daughter’s Stag & Doe, like everybody else.”
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Ottawa Police Service insisted they would not comment until the Freedom Convoy organizers told them what to say.
Rouleau’s report also notes that Trudeau’s comments about protestors being “a fringe minority” met the legal standard of being “not chill”.
At press time, numerous assholes across the country have announced plans to accept this news in a totally normal and lowkey manner.