TORONTO – In an effort to reduce wait times for surgeries in the province of Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has announced that as many as half of all surgeries will now be handled by his good buddy Steve.
“I don’t want anyone to say that we’re privatizing healthcare. That’s not what we’re doing here. What we’re doing is providing Ontario residents with a private option,” said Premier Ford, who originally met Steve in 1982 while performing a keg stand during his first and only eight weeks as a student at Humber College. “And in this case, that private option is the option to privately pay my buddy Steve here a crisp 50 bucks to take out your kid’s appendix in his garage.”
“Best of all, you don’t need a referral or a family doctor,” said Ford. “All you need is an internet connection, and the ability to find Steve’s ads on Kijiji.”
Ontarians have had mixed reactions to the announcement.
“On the one hand, I’m really not sure how comfortable I am getting complex medical procedures from a man whose pre-surgery checklist includes items like ‘send along any really good YouTube tutorials you know of’ and ‘ask if your dentist will loan you a canister of the good stuff’,” said Timmins resident Sam Renaud, who has been waiting two years for knee surgery. “But on the other hand, my best alternative right now is to dangle my leg out the window in the hopes that a lynx will chew it off mid-thigh. So maybe I’ll give Steve a call.”
Upon further questioning, Premier Ford confirmed that the government has plans to expand Steve-care in the future, allowing Steve to administer MAiD to anyone who brings their own hammer.