Nine percent rise in gas prices forces CEO to triple own salary - The Beaverton

Nine percent rise in gas prices forces CEO to triple own salary

Irving, Texas – CEOs from oil and gas companies are suffering just like the rest of us, so much so that in light of rising inflation and “other stuff,” they’ve been forced to triple their yearly income.

“We’re all feeling the crunch in these unprecedented times,” stated Darren Woods, Exxon Mobil’s CEO who denied ‘big oil’ has made any effort to cover up their links to climate change. “I see those gas prices going higher and higher and I think, darn, I’ll have to at least triple my salary so I can afford the helicopter that brings me to work.”

At the local food bank, CEOs from many large companies who have made record profits during these difficult times could be seen picking up all the food they could, reminding us that we are all in this together.

“Inflation is making it so your dollars just can’t go as far anymore,” explained Vicki Hollub, Occidental Petroleum’s CEO. “After the minimum wage went up, it only made sense to increase our own salaries double that increase. When minimum wages go up 15 percent, it only makes sense that Big Macs get twice as expensive.”

Oil and gas CEOs have lobbied constantly for the government to recognize their inability to help themselves to endless, world-ending greed, yet they claim their cries have fallen on deaf ears.

“It doesn’t matter how many lobbyists I pay or how many bribes I get caught giving, the government fails to act against me,” cried Lee Tillman, CEO of Marathon Oil. “I keep explaining to them that I am addicted to lobbying the world into being reliant on natural gas and then exploiting that reliance for my own personal profit. Don’t you see? I am just as trapped as those in bomb shelters, trapped in my own personal infinite wealth, unable to get out!”

Twitter followers of Elon Musk have rallied to defend these CEOs, creating a gofundme to pay for their massive taxes and explaining, “They shouldn’t have to be taxed at all because they are genetically stronger than we are.”