PARIS – Emmanuel Macron has defeated Marine Le Pen to win 5 more years as President of France, and credits his victory to representing an “almost negligible improvement over the only other option, which is undeniable far right authoritarianism.”
“This electoral result represents a huge victory for ‘not fascism I guess’,” Macron said, addressing his jubilant campaign staff. “Let the record show that the good people of France took a good hard look at their two options – an openly Putin-backed neo-fascist demagogue, and some sort of regular guy – and they only gave the fascist a measly 41.5% of the national vote.”
After being reminded that Le Pen’s vote share was up 7.5% from the previous presidential election, Macron added “At this rate France won’t elect actual fascism for at least 5 more years! Vive la France!”
The French election saw historically low turnout with just under 72% participating, which political observers attributed to Macron’s campaign platform of “I dunno, more of the same, also I’m not a nazi”. Despite voter apathy Le Pen captured more than 13 million votes on a platform of tax cuts to tackle the high cost of living, a ban on hijabs, and a referendum on immigration – still, analysts say her campaign slogan “Yeah, I’m pretty much a nazi” proved a critical strategic blunder.
The skyrocketing cost of living was a key election issue, with Macron’s opponents accusing him of arrogance and acting as a president of the rich, though conceding that he was “pretty much 100% fascism-free”.
Guy St. Jacques of Marseille said, “It sure would be nice to vote for a candidate who wasn’t a fascist and ALSO did literally anything to improve my quality of life, but there I go day dreaming again.”
Matilde Dumais of Toulouse added, “Could someone from the G20 do us a favour and let us know what our president is up to for the next 5 years? He never writes or calls. Merci.”
Addressing the people of France, Macron was clear-eyed about the severe mood of his countrymen. “An answer must be found to the anger and disagreements that led many of our compatriots to vote for the extreme right,” Macron intoned, “but I said basically that exact same thing last time I beat Le Pen, so I guess we’ll all meet back here after 5 more years of me ignoring domestic issues. Peace!”
At press time Mike Pence has reported receiving strange phone calls from a France area code demanding he not certify the presidential election.