RED DEER – Premier Jason Kenney has said he intends to pass legislation that will remove the ability of municipalities to enforce their own mask mandates, thereby forcing freedom onto millions of Albertans.
“It’s time for Alberta to free itself from its fear of this virus,” Kenney said at a press conference. “And the best way to celebrate our freedom is to make everyone do as I say.”
Kenney’s proposed legislation would forcibly end Edmonton’s current mask mandate. “When COVID began, cities had the freedom to have their own mandates,” Kenney said. “And now I am giving them the freedom not to.”
Municipalities that resist the order could face Liberty Budget Cuts, which Kenney called essential for ensuring that mandatory freedom is thrust upon everyone equally.
“I am a proponent of small government, especially when small governments can be used to crush even smaller governments,” Kenney said. “And it is my duty as premier to protect everyday Albertans from the municipal representatives they democratically elect.”
Kenney’s announcement drew mixed reviews. Critics called it legislative overreach likely to face a Charter challenge, while supporters dubbed it an epic way to own the libs.
“What makes Alberta special is that everyone is free to agree with me,” one Calgarian said. “And legally imposing the freedom to hold my opinions makes us freer than ever.”
Kenney defended his decision by emphasising his commitment to conservative ideology, which supports decentralisation and local governance right up until heavy-handed authority can be used to crush dissent and score cheap points from political supporters.
“Now is not the time to play politics with public health recommendations,” Kenney said. “That time was earlier, when I was doing it.”
In lieu of continuing to track COVID cases, Alberta will begin tracking the number of daily freedoms exercised by residents. Albertans who fail to report their freedoms will be forced to conduct two weeks of self-governance from home.
At press time, protestors were complaining that Kenney wasn’t making Alberta even freer by banning masks entirely.