VANCOUVER – Family members of Adam Newsom, 27, have reportedly become nostalgic for the days when all he talked about was his cult, as opposed to his current obsession of NFTs.
“I remember when Adam would go on for hours about the ‘utopian community’ he and the other acolytes were building on that farm outside of Penticton,” recalls Adam’s mother Sheila Newsom. “But I’d go back to that in a heartbeat if I could never hear about the fucking blockchain again.”
Added Jan, “At least with the cult I knew he was getting some fresh air once in a while.”
Despite previously pledging himself as a “true disciple of The Order of the Fifth Eye”, a charismatic cult operating in rural BC between 2016 and 2020, Adam has reoriented his entire life’s focus on NFTs (non-fungible tokens), as well as proselytizing about them non-stop to his beleaguered family.
Jenny Newson-Singh, Adam’s sister, shares her mother’s annoyance. “We were pretty worried back when Adam was throwing all of his money away on ‘tithing’ to his cult leader,” referring to Pastor Claude, aka Clark H. Forsythe, who was arraigned in March of 2021 on charges of racketeering, forced labour, conspiracy, wire fraud conspiracy, and attempted sex trafficking of a farm animal.
“Still, it wasn’t nearly as insufferable as having Adam constantly harass us to ‘invest’ our own money into something that is so obviously a pyramid scheme,” Jenny added. “Like, it’s bad enough that you blew your entire trust fund on the ugliest jpeg I’ve ever seen, but stop telling me every Sunday at family dinner how it’s ‘the investment of the future’.”
“I never thought I’d say this but The Order of the Fifth Eye sounded positively sensible compared to whatever the hell the ‘Bored Ape Yacht Club’ is. And trust me, I’ve listened to enough about both to fill a damn lifetime,” explained Adam’s father, Trevor Newson.
“In Adam’s cult there was a story – Pastor Claude getting kidnapped by aliens from the 8th dimension who told him the world would end in 2025. It was equally as silly as investing all your money in a receipt for a terrible online image, but at least with The Order Adam had some actual guns to show for it.”
Recent attempts to deprogram Adam have proved less fruitful than the time he was smuggled out of the Order’s and locked in a motel room for several weeks. “Back then the loonies were only on that one farm, but now Adam just goes online and finds discord servers full of self-reinforcing suckers telling each other they’re all going ‘to the moon’, which was coincidentally another thing the Order also believed.
Family members report that recent celebrity endorsements of NFTs have only made matters worse.
“Back when Adam used to say ‘Paris Hilton and Jimmy Fallon told me through the TV to pledge all my money’, I knew it was just delusional cult talk,” added Sheila sadly.
At press time the Newsoms were attempting to arrange a prison visit with Pastor Claude in hopes that he can talk some sense into Adam.