VANCOUVER – Failed playwright Jacob Jones was gleeful today after passing his real estate exam. While Jones’ ambition to see his work premier on Broadway – or even at a local Fringe Festival – fell short, he is sure that his new profession of showing people houses they can’t afford will be a smashing success.
“I wanted to be the next Jeremy O. Harris or Annie Baker but in the long run I realized most people don’t even know who they are,” said Jones. “Nowadays wanting to be a playwright is like wanting to be an elevator operator. It’s no way to make a living. It’s barely even a hobby. But I figured I could pivot all the years I spent pressuring my friends to buy tickets for staged readings into pressuring folks into predatory mortgages they’ll be paying off until they lose their teeth.”
Jones said that his time spent cold calling artistic directors about mediocre art projects was the perfect training for a career in real estate.
“I spent years trying to get theatres to produce my one-man spoken-word musical about the pressures of being a good ally, I’m hardly afraid of telling anyone to sell their apartment. Plus sometimes they put real estate people on billboards. That’s basically making it.”
Minister of Employment Kathy Kates says that pivoting towards real estate is the best way for Canadian artists to sustain themselves on a monetary level.
“If any Canadian artist had real talent or ambition they would have moved to America already,” said Kates. “Most artists simply aren’t talented enough for their work to earn income, but in Canada even the best of the best can’t make enough money to survive. Real estate is a great back up plan for artists. Most already have professional headshots and you can make over six figures a year by describing bad living accommodations with fanciful verbs. Working on better verbs lets them put their MFAs to work. ”
Jones believes he’ll be turning a profit in real estate within the next two months, but if it doesn’t work out he’ll begin another popular career for failed artists: life coaching.