NEW YORK – H. Henry Harrison, the arts and film editor of the Daily Trumpeter, was heard yelling across the newsroom Thursday that he ‘needed film reviews of Spider-Man’ and he ‘needed them yesterday.’
Proclaiming to anyone that would listen, Harrison began an impassioned tirade about how ‘they needed to get the word out’ that the latest Marvel movie starring Tom Holland, Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield was a ‘menace to good cinema of New York.’
“I’m going to expose these bug-eyed wall-crawling superhero movies for what they are: watered-down versions of the same plotlines that have been rehashed a hundred times before. They’re barely trying to hide it anymore, it’s just Into the Spider-verse with a fresh coat of lipstick. That reminds me, Denman! Go buy my wife an anniversary gift, here’s $10. ”
Pausing briefly to chomp on his enormous cigar and swallow a handful of blood pressure medication, Harrison continued his verbal barrage.
“This is the third movie too, who’s ever heard of a three-part movie? Don’t answer that. You know what they say about franchises, ‘the 9th times the charm’. God, that’s nine Spider-Men worth of movies. The only thing I ever trusted that had nine lives was my cat, Buttons. God rest his soul.”
Dismissing his gathered staff, the 59-year-old arts editor’s ire quickly turned toward a junior reporter who failed to vacate his office fast enough.
“What are you doing still standing around? Vamoose! ”he barked, jabbing a finger squarely into the young man’s chest, “What am I paying you for? Because it’s too much. What, I’m not paying you? You’re an intern? Good! Then you’re worth every penny. Now get out there and get me those reviews! Have it on my desk in an hour and there’s a 20%—No, wait, 10% bonus in it for you.”
At press time, Harrison had been spotted dressed in dark glasses and a trench coat in line for the midnight premiere of Spider-Man: No Way Home.