By: Bryler Chadwick
Why is it that every time I eat at Taco Bell, I’m surrounded by people who eat at Taco Bell?! Like, what kind of people eat this crap? I’m a normal, respectable guy who works at a gym. I just needed to use the washroom, but those are for customers only. I mean, no sign or employee distinctly said so, but my Canadian guilt knew that to be safe, I should order $32 worth of Taco Bell. As I sat with my “meal”, I made the regrettable mistake of looking up and… Wow. I am just so much better than all these Bell Dwellers.
And I’m not some pretentious prick or anything – heck, some of them are dressed much nicer than me – but I just can’t respect anyone who would knowingly do this to their body. Maybe as late-night drunk food, but this is lunch damnit! Don’t worry, I made sure to tell the day-time manager, Donny, that I don’t normally eat here.
A couple weeks back, my fellow trainers saw my car in the parking lot. What a nightmare. I gotta start parking at Pita Pit. They tried to assure me that cheat days are perfectly normal, and I don’t need to project my own struggles with food onto others, but that’s crazy because that would mean I somehow see myself in them. Ugh! I just needed to use the bathroom!
So, as I let the drippings of my Beef Chalupa Supreme fall onto my Nacho Supreme, making them even more supreme, at first I think I might just love the word supreme, but then I think this is all okay as long as it’s not every day – Like I’m sure it is for all these naughty little Chalupa-philes. Look at them. You can just tell The Bell is like an important part of their lives or something. Not me though. I’m twice a week, tops! Not counting weekends.
I just wish Taco Bell had some kind of isolation pod. Just me and my Beef Crunchwrap Supreme. I thought my car would make a great makeshift pod, but I was surrounded by all these losers eating Taco Bell in their cars! Hiding their shameful little secret. Plus I basically turned my car into a Taco Bell sauna, and smelled like it all day. So as I step into the light of KFC to cleanse my palette with some popcorn chicken, I assured them as I assure all of you… Okay, I eat at Taco Bell, but I don’t eat at Taco Bell.