BUTNER, NC – Representatives for Bernie Madoff, orchestrator of the largest Ponzi scheme in history, have confirmed the financial fraudster has died in prison after failing to recruit 3 people to die on his behalf.
“This is not the outcome we were hoping for. With three new recruits, we could’ve maximized his health and negotiated a deal for Mr. Madoff to receive the benefits of death (release from prison) without the drawbacks of actual death,” lamented one of Madoff’s lawyers. “He bore his ill-health bravely until the end, though he did try once or twice to offload his symptoms onto investors.”
Sources say Madoff spent his final years participating in a prison pen pal program, though he was eventually banned for amassing too many pen pals and offering them “a great business opportunity.” Madoff also attempted to start a mail-order business from his cell, but was unsuccessful at selling chunks of his 150-year sentence to unassuming buyers.
“He died as he lived,” added his lawyer. “Seeming to function until the last moment, when his facade fell apart to reveal a mess of lies and decay.”
Despite earning a reputation most Wall Street experts would describe as “poisonous dogshit,” many of Madoff’s former employees warmly recall they always felt like part of his family, in that they were used to launder money and none of them visited him in jail.
The usual calls for the public to be charitable after a controversial figure dies have not emerged yet, as a lot of Madoff’s fraud victims were literal charities. Many, including Kevin Bacon, remember him most as the man who stole millions from Kevin Bacon.
“He stole from the poor, but more importantly, he stole from the rich. Unforgivable,” commented a Hollywood actor who wished to remain anonymous.
Months before his death, Madoff had his lawyers request Donald Trump commute his sentence; Trump did not respond, reportedly worried the association with Madoff would improve his reputation.